Thank you, Panic! At The Disco
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I grew up listening to it all the time, regardless of the genre it was. Whenever I have my music playing and my ear phones in my ears, it’s like I’m in my own world. It honestly feels like nothing in reality really matters. It’s just my music and I. However, I never really expected something this to happen, but, there was a band that came into my life and took a huge part in it. This band I’m talking about is Panic! At The Disco.
I discovered this band because of my cousin. You see, I was at his house one day, and I saw his copy of A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out and I decided to match all of the legs and body together (which, you cannot do, because they don’t match up). My cousin noticed how I was taking an particular interest into the album cover and asked, “Do you want to listen to some of the songs on here?” He grinned at me. I could see how excited he was.
I looked back at him, eyes wide. “You… You really mean it?” I asked him. I thought he was just kidding.
He laughed a little, “Of course I do!” He replied, putting the CD into his stereo. “Which song do you want to listen to?” I flipped the CD and studied it. Most of the song titles were really long and catchy looking. The song I chose was one of the most… provocative songs on the album. It was called, “Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.” It was really inappropriate for a child who was only in fourth grade at the time to hear, but I didn’t care. It was perfect.
As a kid, I literally had no friends and if I did have any, they’d just use me or pick on me. I was always picked on about the dumbest things, too. When I was a kid, I wasn’t skinny because I have a thyroid problem and it causes me to be heavier because it slows my metabolism down quite a lot. The other kids at my school didn’t understand that (nor did I), so people would taunt me about my weight all of the time, making me cry often and making me completely vulnerable. The kids got me to the point where I hated myself. However, whenever the bullying would happen, I’d come home, crying, and then listen to Panic! At The Disco because their music made me happy. Whenever I’d listen to them, it felt like life was okay for once, it was just so calming when I heard Brendon sing, it was just like a magical moment. It was like, the guys knew when I was sad and said, “Oh, Sammy’s sad? Well, not for long. Brendon, use your beautiful singing voice and cure this sadness,” and it really did make a difference.
When I got older, the taunting didn’t stop, I mean, it did stop, for a little bit, but it didn’t stop completely. Things seemed to get worse, actually. When I was in 7th grade, I found out my sexual orientation was pansexual. Upon this discovery, somehow, everyone else at my school found out as well, it just spread like wildfire. Although, it may have been my friend, considering the fact that she was the only person I told. I guess you can’t really trust many people. Anyways, when people found out, all of the girls that were my so called, “friends” stopped talking to me. Everyone treated me like I was worthless. It seemed like they hated me with all of their being. Now, everyone else made my life miserable, but there was a kid who got thrown in there and made it hell. It felt like he wanted me dead and I think he did because he would make everything worse. He wouldn’t only make fun of me, but also my other friends. He called me fat and ugly everyday, and he got to the point where everyone else would, too. I was upset all the time because of the hell this kid put me through. One day, this kid, Tyler, finally gathered the nerve to tell me to kill myself. When he told me to kill myself, I thought, “Why the hell not? No one cares. No one really loves me. Why not? No one would miss me at all,” so the night I decided to commit suicide, I actually had it all planned out. I was going to swallow a ton of pills and let it go from there. But then, a song by Panic! started playing in my head. The song is called, “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed).” And it made me change my mind. I put the pills down and started crying my eyes out, crying so hard to the point where I fell asleep. he next day, I woke up, and I decided to play that song, and it brightened my mood. Life felt better and I think it was.
Well, I thought wrong, life wasn’t better for me, when I got into 9th grade, things got way worse. A few days or even weeks, I don’t really remember when this happened, before school happened, I was at a friend’s house and there were a bunch of people there. Things felt pretty good, but later that night, most of the people (I say most, because only 3 people that remained sober, my friend, Cassie, John Doe, and I) decided to get high off this synthetic drug called “Spike”. It was all fun and games at first, until midnight, that’s when all hell broke loose, that’s when it happened. That’s when John Doe did what he did. That’s when he molested me. I was half asleep when it happened, but when I felt him, I knew that’s what he was doing. I started shaking uncontrollably, barely able to move or speak. Finally, when he was done, I got straight up and locked myself into Cassie’s bathroom and started crying. I wanted to go home. That night, no one except for John Doe and I knew what happened. And if people asked me why I was in the bathroom for so long, I just would say that I felt sick and I had to stay by the toilet in case I had to vomit.
The next day, I had to fake a smile and a laugh or two, just so no one would notice that I was still so scared from the event that took place from the previous night. When I got home, went straight into my room and started crying. I felt miserable. I was too terrified to tell my mother or father what happened. Still, to this day, I don’t see why he did it. I’m not as attractive as the other girls that were there, I’m not skinny like them. I’m just plain, ol’ “Sammy”.
Then I started my freshman year of high school, still holding all of the memories from the previous school year and dearest John Doe in the back of my mind. The year started well, or so I thought. People were pretty cool in the beginning, but then I realized how terrible everyone really was. I hated Grandville High School. I hated everyone in it, except for the few friends I had. Every day was a struggle for me to get up, there were some days I didn’t go to school. My anxiety levels were so high that I couldn’t even bare it. I knew that one day, there was going to be one less kid in the graduating year of 2014, and I was thinking that it was going to be soon. At that time, I developed a drug addiction, to your over-the-counter pain pills.
Sometime around December or January of my freshman year, I was thinking about suicide again, by overdosing on those stupid little pills of mine, but then… That song that stopped me from committing suicide in the first place, started playing in my head again. I don’t understand why that happened, but it made me realize what I was doing and made me stop. I began to cry, no, sob, that seems more of an accurate thing to say. I sat on my bed, with waterfalls streaming down my cheeks. Does Panic! really want me around this badly? I thought to myself, because it really seemed like they did. That moment, I realized that maybe I should stick around for a little bit longer. Maybe, just maybe.
Around November, I finally saw them live for the first time wanting for six years. I was so excited to see them play their music. When I got there, my heart was racing violently, to the point where I could barely breathe. I was going to explode from excitement. When 6:30 rolled around, we were let into the venue where they were playing. My best friend, Christine and I ran into the venue just like a kid would run into a candy store. Our eyes wide. Our minds filled with memories and stories behind every song we’ve ever heard. It was a magical moment. I started crying from the sheer excitement. That night… Was going to be the best night of my life, I know it.
The first band that opened before Panic! was crazy, and so were their fans. Everyone started crashing into my friends and I. I’ve been to a few concerts before, so I knew how to deal with these type of people, however, someone started crashing against my ribs and hurt me. I thought I was going to die. I had to get taken outside to get fresh air… And when I got back inside, Panic! was going to start playing soon. Even after hurting, I was still very happy. When Brendon started playing the song, Always, it made me realize how much they mean to me and how long they’ve been in my life.
Now I come to realize that Panic! At The Disco is a huge part of my life and I am so grateful that they are still around to this day. Panic! At The Disco was my only friend when no one else was. Panic! has stuck with me through thick and thin, creating the most beautiful music I’ve ever listened to. This band has saved my life two different times. It stopped me from my drug addiction, it freed me from my suicidal thoughts. It brought my best friend and I closer and now I have other amazing friends because of them. I owe everything to them. Lately, I’ve been trying to get the words to actually say to them and write to them, but no words can actually express how I feel, but I am hoping that maybe one day, I finally will have the opportunity to meet them and tell them what happened and how they changed my life for the better. If I ever do meet them I’ve love to thank them for what they’ve done.
And now, since I am in a band, I hope that maybe one day I can preform with the band that has made my life so much better and worth living.
So, thank you, Panic! for everything you’ve done for me.